Falling down

{I found this draft while reading through my blog - I have many entries that I've never 'published' often using my blog space as a journal. At the time of this writing, I remember not wanting to post this because the feelings it elicited were too raw and painful. I am, much to my chagrin and to those that love me, a fairly proud woman. And this disease MS often seems to strip that pride, leaving me feeling wholly vulnerable and naked to the world - without my publishing it for all the world to read. Today, however, when I read this I felt compelled by the Holy Spirit, to bare all on this frigid day and remember how cold and naked I felt on a hot summer day.}

We moved to our home 11 years ago - and one of the primary reasons we moved here was because of the proximity to Lake Michigan. I love the lake - the sounds of the waves crashing lull me to sleep, the beach inspires me on many levels and swimming in it's calmer waters is relaxing and cooling!

Yet, after these 11 years it's not just the lake that I love about our home here, it's the community of friends and the deep sense of belonging to a place and people.

We went to a July 4 gathering on the beach with many friends. We arrived to a more secluded beach via boat - thanks to our good friends Karen and Troy. Despite the air temp being in the 90s, on the water it felt much cooler. We anchored the boat and swam ashore- using a dinghy and various other floating devices to bring ashore the various beach necessities like beach chairs, coolers full of water and libations, a turkey fryer, towels, a propane tank, a table, coolers full of food. Wait, you say - turkey fryer? Propane tank? Table? Yep, I respond. After all nothing screams Independence Day like a turkey, right?! In reality we didn't fry a turkey but instead had a shrimp boil - the brainchild of our good friend Pam, who found the recipe and instructions for a beach shrimp boil using turkey fryers. And since there were nearly a gazillion of us, we had enough potatoes, carrots, onions, shrimp and seasonings to feed the 4,000. The goods we brought ashore were only a portion of all that was floated; six other boats came to the fairly secluded beach with equal amounts of rations. Let let shrimp boil/Independence Day/beach party begin!

I have had several days to reflect and feel the blessings of good friends, a wonderful husband and the fortune of living near Lake Michigan. I have also had time to feel a renewed frustration with this damn disease - MS. The affects of the disease were experienced more on the recent beach excursion than ever before. First, my friends had been discussing for several weeks (without my knowledge) which boat would be best for me - to board, and more importantly how I would get back into the boat at day's end. It's not an easy feat in deep waters when I can barely even lift my legs on dry land. Their fore-planning made it easier than it could have been otherwise! They decided on that it would be easiest if I floated back to the boat on an inner tube and board this particular boat because of it's lower deck in the back made the task easier. They created this plan long before I even knew that John and I would be able to join the festivities. I was especially grateful for their thoughtfulness at days end when I could board the boat with little of the humiliation I imagined of someone having to pull me up while someone was simultaneously pushing from behind.

The second and primary reason for my renewed frustration with MS, was that getting walking into and out of the lake was not a solitary experience. I needed an arm to hold onto because the gentle waves and undertow took me down in no time at all. As I was initially coming ashore, I held onto John to walk the last 20 feet onto shore. And then each time I wanted to venture back into the water, I relied on John or another friend to escort me. When my friend Aimee (who has had her trials with Chiaria Malformation and is also much weaker) and I decided we wanted to cool off and I didn't want to 'trouble' John, petite Aimee acted as  my escort. A sight to behold I'm sure, two physically unbalanced women holding on to one another, we both down in the water within moments. Laughing at our failure at self-reliance, we were  rescued by two other stronger 'escorts'.  A short time later when friends Pam and Kris were my escorts and they both let go before we were deep enough and again down I went. It took them a moment or two, as they continued walking into the deeper waters, to realize that I was down behind them. 

This outing highlights how far I've come, or in this case fallen. I can go through my day-to-day having made minor accommodations along the way for the increasing disabilities and lull myself into thinking that I'm really not that far progressed. But then events like the beach party, bring forth boldly my folly. And my first reaction is to flee back to the fiction I live it's safety inviting. But where will that leave me? Isolated. And increasingly fearful of living my life as loudly, boldly and colorfully as God has intended for me to live. I can fool myself, and have for some time that I have been living that colorful life - but it's like coloring between the lines only. And I don't like to color between the lines!!! It's fear that keeps me there but pride also since it's the pride feeding the fear of living outside my comfort zone. 

So, I will try to fall in public more often. I will rely on a helping hand or arm or the covert or overt planning of friends to help me out of comfort and safety and into the waters. It doesn't mean that I will go easily since my pride is rooted deep but I urge my loved ones to keep pulling and the roots will gradually give way!

{What struck me most about this - was that I'm still living largely within my safety zone! I curse the disease of MS but today curse even more loudly the affliction of pride! Glad I read this today.}