Vulnerability hangover

I recently blogged about my own #MeToo experiences and then went silent. (At least on the blog).

Those posts have been read by over 1000 people, and that's a lot for this tiny little blog about living a life with MS and God and with a sense of humor. Suddenly, I felt like I was living in a world where people that read my blog had x-ray vision and could see my nakedness - but I didn't know who they were. It wasn't a good feeling.

And then I heard someone discuss Brene Brown, in particular what she describes as a 'vulnerability hangover'. It's essentially the feeling of regret, like after a night of binge drinking, when you think "What did I do/say?" and then "I think I'll just hide out from the world." If you've never had that experience, kudos to you. It's shame, pure and simple, ugly and raw.

So, now I'm on a Brene Brown binge, including all of her TED talks. Including this one on shame: Brene, listening to shame

And here's one of the take-aways I got from that particular talk, that by sharing the ugly truth of the abuse and harassment I experienced, I lessened the shame of the experience, for me and others. There are way too many women that have had similar experiences, I heard from a few of them. And one said to me, "You were awfully brave for sharing your story. I know I never could because my family would disown me." Because she was a victim of abuse, her family would disown her for sharing her painful story. Read that again - and let that really sink in, the injustice of her perceived outcome!

I am a strong empathetic woman, partly because of those awful experiences. I am a beautiful tapestry of all the events, good and bad, that I have lived. By shedding light on the bad, I like to think that my tapestry's color is more vivid and true.

My life has been a tapestry

Of rich and royal hue;

An everlasting vision

Of the ever-changing view;

A wond'rous woven magic

In bits of blue and gold;

A tapestry to feel and see;

Impossible to hold.

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