Skip to main content

Vulnerability hangover


I recently blogged about my own #MeToo experiences and then went silent. (At least on the blog).

 Those posts have been read by over 1000 people, and that's a lot for this tiny little blog about living a life with MS and God and with a sense of humor. Suddenly, I felt like I was living in a world where people that read my blog had x-ray vision and could see my nakedness - but I didn't know who they were. It wasn't a good feeling.

 And then I heard someone discuss Brene Brown, in particular what she describes as a 'vulnerability hangover'. It's essentially the feeling of regret, like after a night of binge drinking, when you think "What did I do/say?" and then "I think I'll just hide out from the world." If you've never had that experience, kudos to you. It's shame, pure and simple, ugly and raw.

 So, now I'm on a Brene Brown binge, including all of her TED talks. Including this one on shame: Brene, listening to shame

And here's one of the take-aways I got from that particular talk, that by sharing the ugly truth of the abuse and harassment I experienced, I lessened the shame of the experience, for me and others. There are way too many women that have had similar experiences, I heard from a few of them. And one said to me, "You were awfully brave for sharing your story. I know I never could because my family would disown me." Because she was a victim of abuse, her family would disown her for sharing her painful story. Read that again - and let that really sink in, the injustice of her perceived outcome! 

 I am a strong empathetic woman, partly because of those awful experiences. I am a beautiful tapestry of all the events, good and bad, that I have lived. By shedding light on the bad, I like to think that my tapestry's color is more vivid and true.
My life has been a tapestry
Of rich and royal hue;
An everlasting vision
Of the ever-changing view;
A wond'rous woven magic
In bits of blue and gold;
A tapestry to feel and see;
Impossible to hold.




Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

It's not a popularity contest, but ...

Happy Birthday Michael Bowen!

This is a face I don't see anymore - except in my memories. That of my little brother Michael. Today would have been his 46th  birthday - but this senior picture is how I will always remember him because he was taken from us just a couple years after his senior year. I don't want to dwell on the sad details - because there are many and they can still all these years later bring me to tears. Because today is his birthday, I want to write about the many gifts he bestowed on those that he loved. Bernard Michael Bowen was the youngest of five. The rest of us have names that start with the letter K - but Michael from birth was going to be unique. Named for his paternal grandfather, whom everyone called Barney. No one called Michael, Barney, until high school when many were adopting nicknames. His friends would jokingly call him Barney! And like nearly everything else in his life, he seemed to smile and shrug it off and go with the flow. He played, and loved, football. A...
3 comments
Read more

The world according to Gimp

  I understand that there are those who may believe my use of the term 'gimp' is derogatory or demeaning. I do not use it lightly or to belittle anyone, it's just a lot easier for me to than 'disabled' or 'handicapped' because it uses a little snark or humor to something that could use a little of that. Or in this case, I specifically want to make light of my situation so that it doesn't feel depressing. For you or me. Let me try to explain.  One of my pet peeves is the look of sympathy I get from well-meaning people. Like, "Aw, sweetie, I am so sorry that you are less abled, confined to a wheelchair and less able to live the full, active life that I lead."  I am in a wheelchair most of the time and my life is different because of that but in truth I never wanted to run a marathon of play pickleball or climb Mt. Baldhead (I've done the latter too many times usually bringing up the rear of the group I was with and/or being cheered on by the ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Time

I have been reading through the blog entries for John's caringbridge site and am marveling that it was only a year ago we were on that awful cancer journey. In a way it seems like so much longer - especially when I look at the Patient Patient and see just how wonderfully handsome and healthy he looks! John still has periodic visits with the docs in A2 and prior to each we are both a little nervous that the docs might find something. He calls after each visit and we breathe a sigh of relief when the docs declare that all is clear! We know patients that went through treatment at the same time haven't received the same news; our concerns are grounded in reality and our sense of relief immense. In the past year, we have heard of far too many people that have received a diagnosis of cancer - prostrate, breast, throat, etc. While the type of cancer may be very different, the family's reaction and the ultimate course of treatment may vary greatly. The family and loved ones g...
Post a Comment
Read more