Hair today gone tomorrow

Before you all begin to think I’m breezing completely through chemo, let me remind you of this:

  For the most part I am bald. Or if not completely bald, fuzzy headed, and not in the way I think or am thinking, but in the appearance. A little like a hedgehog or a porcupine with bald patches.

On Super Bowl Sunday while most of you were overeating or filling out those little squares to wager on the upcoming game, John and I were having a unique pre-game party. In front of our bathroom mirror with clippers and scissors. Preparing for the certainty of hair loss from my chemo, I decided to buzz my locks to lessen the shock and mess of of losing large chunks of my silver, shoulder-length hair. It was in all honesty one of the most poignant moments in our 30+  year marriage.

I had originally asked my friend and former stylist if she could do it . But when I shared my plan with John, he said that he wanted to do it. Certainly that was not expected.

So instead of watching the pre-game, we buzzed my locks. I didn't think I'd be emotional. I thought it would just be a small step, another task on my project list that is Project Beat Cancer. I found myself shedding tears, however, and feeling such remorse, a deep sense of loss. I accused John of giving the worst haircut ever, and we laughed.

It's only hair, I remember thinking a couple months ago when I was told that I would be losing mine. I was not grasping, at that time, all that it meant. And as I looked at my balding head and the pile of silver hair on the floor, and counter and all over my clothes, I realized it was now a very public display of what had been up to that point a fairly private experience. I realized then that my hair may never be the same as I'll never be the same. And I realized as I watched my husband using clippers on my hair, that our marriage just became stronger because the depth of emotion and the connection we forged were profound.

Now weeks later, I'm much more use to the head with minimal hair and finding head covers to wear when out and about. I'm not even sure I will get a wig. Perhaps for the wedding in July.

On Tuesday, I got a Facetime from Delaney. She had just trimmed her hair for an organization that provides wigs for cancer patients, to stand in solidarity with her mom! Her beautiful locks will now be adorning another person's head. She looks gorgeous with her shorter hair. And I was cut short (pun intentional), speechless at her courage and tribute. Another moment, so profound, I cannot find the words to express my emotion accurately.

So I will take a leap of faith, by showing you what the new (albeit temporary) me looks like. Without makeup, headcovering or more noticeably, hair.