The "I'll Nevers" of growing older

 Years ago as a freelance writer, I submitted an essay entitled "The I'll Nevers of Parenting". It was a list, mostly, of things I had said prior to having children and the crow I was then eating because of the stupidity of the claims. You know little pearls of 'wisdom' that only someone who hasn't experienced the joys of  parenting could utter, like: I will never yell at my child in public or I will never let my child eat dinner in front of the television or my children will never stay up past 9 pm.

I yelled at my children (usually when we were both tired and totally irrational!) in public. One time, as we were in the drop off lane at school with a long line of cars behind us, the boys hoped out of the car but Delaney was insisting on something that for the life of me I cannot recall and I was insisting that she get out of the van. We crept along, van door still open, until I got to the end of the line and yelled at the top of my voice, "Delaney get the hell out of the van NOW". I looked to see the nice Mr. Beery who was helping with the morning traffic flow and as usual was smiling and waving at the parents and kids. His smile faltered for only a nanosecond. And I was horrified. Delaney did get out of the van and I was convinced I'd scarred her for life. I spent that day in turmoil over the scarring I'd inflicted on my dear daughter, convinced that she was in school at that very moment a devastated and damaged daughter. When I picked the kids up, Mr. Beery wasn't on duty, and Delaney was the same confident and happy child, seeming oblivious to the life-shattering I had performed that morning.

Through the years, I have had plenty of opportunities to eat those words said prior to parenting. So many words I have had to eat, so, so many.

*sigh*

Now, having turned 60 I am working on a whole new list of 'I'll Nevers'. This time, it's the I'll Nevers of Growing Older. This is a list of similarly obnoxious and pious statements of a clueless younger woman. So put on your comfy clothes and be prepared to eat my words (I'm wearing pants with elastic and a baggy top because I am going to be full!).

I will never sit around with friends lamenting health issues.

This is a frequent event these days, even prior to Covid. Book clubs have occasionally turned into evenings discussing various diagnoses or ailments albeit with wine and laughter. Or dinners with friends that involved servings of tidbits about recent doctor appointments or test results.

I will never pull out a prescription medication while out for dinner with family or friends.

I had a Grandma that would not only pull out her medications, but then she would place them on the table and explain what each one was and what it was for. As a youth witnessing this I was then convinced that each one was likely a placebo or water pill prescribed by a physician who just wanted Charlotte to feel 'heard' and that this behavior was the equivalent of 'old, old, OLD'. In recent years, finding a need to take one of my pills while in a social setting, I try to secretly get the pill out of my purse and in to my mouth without calling attention to my pill-popping. I do not want to be a Charlotte.

I will not opt for comfort over style when it comes to shoes.

While having MS and being less-stable on my feet may seem to be the reason for my move from high-heels, the truth is I made the move years prior when those high-heels led to bunions whose pain led to flatter comfortable shoes. It pains me (pun intended?) to admit but when the gals from Sex in the City were salivating over the Manolo Blahnik's I was secretly thinking "Oh, you are going to sooooo regret that in the morning, or in a few years". Don't judge me in my comfy Merrell's or Born's or Clarks ... I already have!

I will never spend a fortune on face products claiming to be the fountain of youth.

On this one statement alone, my waistband has expanded to near stretching, because I have a VIP membership with Origins, Aveda and The Fountain of Youth Counter at Ulta. Oh yes, they can see me coming as I roll up to their counters the look of desperation etched within the lines on my face and painted amongst my age spots. Oh yes, you had me at "Scientifically proven to ..." Here's my Master Card sign me up, buttercup. At least, I haven't paid for any surgical procedures. (I know what you're thinking dear reader that this too may show up in later editions of Eating Crow with Kathleen!)

I will never use Weight Watchers.

I used to think that this was a bunch of old women sitting around exchanging recipes and talking about fiber supplements. Not only did I join Weight Watchers, I did it three times and now I am working for this company!!!!! It is not, by the way, a bunch of old women talking recipes and fiber - it really is about life-changing mindsets. Honest!!!

I will never wear elastic-waist pants.

There was a time, when only older women wore elastic waist pants and they were often fashioned to look like they had a zipper to perhaps mask the fact that the waistband was elasticized. Not only am I wearing them now, so that they can expand while I'm eating all my words, they are all in style even for young people. It would appear that we are now a society that values comfort with style instead of comfort instead of style. Amen to that!

This is list is surely just the start and to get me thinking. But I am tired and need my nap (yes that's another one!) If you have more ideas, send them to me at kathleenpiggins@gmail.com.

#growingolder #origins