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I Feel Crappy, Oh So Crappy . . .

Okay the glass may be half full, but right now it's filled with something other than liquids.

I feel like crap. That's all I can say about that.

It was a possibility that the crap was going to hit the fan - stress isn't kind on the bodies of people with MS. And while a lot of the stress I've been experiencing lately has been good (state championship games and high school play rehearsals and Thanksgiving and a new puppy) - my body is reacting. I won't go into all the gory details - suffice it to say that walking is challenging, fatigue is my new BFF, and numbness all over is the new 'normal'. It's a half-full glass of suckiness.

I actually have a home nurse coming tomorrow to load me up with solmedurol - an IV steroid. It's an exacerbation and I have been fortunate (see there's a positive) to have had few of these in my nearly 20 years with this awful disease. I hate that I have to use a cane. I hate that I can't take my little black havoc wreaker to the dog park. I hate that getting up and down the stairs is a major work out. I hate that I have to plan for tasks so that I know I will have enough energy to complete them. There are so many other things I hate about multiple sclerosis, but they are simply to personal to blog about. What I really hate is that just a couple weeks I felt like a million bucks and now I feel like less than a penny.

The worst part is that anyone reading this is wondering just what they can do to help me - and more than anything I hate being a burden. I am much better at care taking than being taken care of. There's the patient patient John - working much more than 40 hours a week and he's wanting to help. There are all my friends (and Lord I am blessed with many wonderful friends) with hectic busy lives of their own that will want to do something. Anything. And my beautiful wonderful sisters (who battle this damn disease as well) that will listen when I cry to them on the phone. And  my beautiful Mom that will run another five miles in frustration that she cannot personally eradicate the disease the plagues her three daughters. And my three wonderful children who have learned far more about 'getting by' and 'taking care of themselves' then I  ever wanted them to know.

I am not one to complain or even let those close to me know that I am suffering from an exacerbation. But I felt compelled to post it here - maybe a God thing. Maybe just an attempt to let everyone know - I have a blessed life but even it comes with times of trial. Maybe it's a vanity thing - so when you see me hobbling more than ever you'll know there's a reason. So that when you see me with my cane - you won't have to ask and even better I won't have to answer.

Because I hate, more than anything in the world, multiple sclerosis. I know this too shall pass ~ at least that's what I'm telling myself ~ and I detest pity parties. Just know that like you - I wish I knew what I could do to make this all better . . .
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  1. fairytaleincorporatedDecember 3, 2010 at 7:51 AM

    Lovely Kathleen. You have endured so much on this journey. I send prayers of right relationship with good health to you. You are a magical lady with a aura of global goodness that shines brightly always. Thank you for holding that special place in this world. It's a big one and I am sorry that it has taken it's toll on you today. I hope you feel better soon my lovely friend.

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