Skip to main content

Time for a funny not-so-little Piggins' story. It's about Delaney, the Divine Miss D, as she was dubbed at the time by a dear friend.


It was a cold and blustery Sunday. (No this isn't a Winnie the Pooh tale!). The boys were content to hang out at home watching football. I, on the other hand, needed to go the mall to return something and to get a new bathing suit for my aqua aerobics class. I had pre-shopped but needed to try on the three suits at the Speedo store. Since John was watching football and Delaney heard the word 'shopping' she went with me.


I made, what at the time seemed to be a reasonable deal with my three-year-old. I guess my first mistake was assuming (yes, eventually making and ass of me!) that I could reason with a three-year-old. You'd think I would have known better. The deal was that we would do my errands - to Hudson's to return and then to the Speedo store. I assured her that all told, it would only take an hour and then when time's up, we'd go to the indoor play area that was designed like breakfast food. We just called it - the breakfast area.


We got to Woodland mall and within 15 minutes had completed the return at Hudson's. We then went to the Speedo store, which happened to right in front of the breakfast area. As we started to go into the Speedo store, I saw Delaney look longingly at the play area and I reminded her of our 'deal'. The clerk was a teen girl and she was talking on the phone, barely acknowledging our arrival. I quickly grabbed the three suits I'd chosen and with Delaney went back to the dressing room. 


Now, I don't know any woman that likes to try on bathing suits especially in January and I am no exception! Health-codes require us to keep our underwear on while trying on suits and I had on some of my respectable Hanes, french-cut briefs - so just the under the leg openings my 'mama wears' were showing. The first suit was too big. The second was just right. The third . . . As I had the third suit to my knees, Delaney announced, "Time's up" and she proceeded to go out of the dressing room. 


I was frantic. I called to the clerk and she didn't respond. I had no choice at that time but to pull the suit on and make a dash for my daughter. I put on my coat - such as it was - or shall I say, leather bomber jacket. I took off and looked at the clerk who looked back, pausing her phone conversation in mid-sentence, and continued out of the store. Of course the store alarm went off - as if I wouldn't garner enough attention in my current get-up. I walked into the play area - sure that all eyes were upon me, but I was too horrified to look anyone in the eye - grabbed my daughter as quickly as possible. She of course took to crying loudly, to grab the attention of the one or two people that hadn't noticed me with my bomber jacket and lily-white skin in a Speedo one-size too small with my 'mama wears' peaking out of the leg openings.


I walked carrying a crying pre-schooler/toddler back into the store. The clerk was still on the phone (I'd love to know who she was talking to and what exactly was said - perhaps something like 'you won't believe the crazy lady . . .'). I promptly put on my clothes while keeping on hand on Delaney and with what little pride I had left, went out of the store (again avoiding any stares) and to the car. Delaney was protesting that she didn't get to play in the breakfast. I tried not to listen. 


It was probably a couple days before I could even tell anyone about the happenings at Woodland Mall that cold January afternoon. Now just conjuring up the image of me in the get-up brings me to laughter. Can you imagine?


Funny thing is, no one I know has ever said they saw me. Despite the fact that the mall was crowded and the play-area packed with plenty of children and parents. Of course, if it had been me and I'd seen someone I knew looking like I did, I wouldn't confess to being a witness!!

Comments

Post a Comment

It's not a popularity contest, but ...

The meaning of success and how

I sat down to write today about being cast/boot free. It is a joy to be back to my 'normal' state of mobility - which is to say that I stumble and totter like a drunken sailor but at least now I'm not wearing a big black boot. Ahoy matey! But instead, I came across the above quote and being easily distracted, I began to think about it instead. (Heck, I'm tired of the damn cast and don't want to waste anymore time thinking or writing about it anyway.) It's a quote my Aunt Bonnie first introduced me too when I graduated from high school and it's come on my radar many times since then, but today for some reason it has given me pause. I laugh often, to be sure. I'm like the uncle in Mary Poppins - I love to laugh. I surround myself with people that make me smile and laugh and am grateful for a husband that still knows how to make me laugh. I'm not to sure about winning the respect of intelligent people, though. I tend to think out of the box and...
Post a Comment
Read more

The "I'll Nevers" of growing older

  Years ago as a freelance writer, I submitted an essay entitled "The I'll Nevers of Parenting". It was a list, mostly, of things I had said prior to having children and the crow I was then eating because of the stupidity of the claims. You know little pearls of 'wisdom' that only someone who hasn't experienced the joys of  parenting could utter, like: I will never yell at my child in public or I will never let my child eat dinner in front of the television or my children will never stay up past 9 pm. I yelled at my children (usually when we were both tired and totally irrational!) in public. One time, as we were in the drop off lane at school with a long line of cars behind us, the boys hoped out of the car but Delaney was insisting on something that for the life of me I cannot recall and I was insisting that she get out of the van. We crept along, van door still open, until I got to the end of the line and yelled at the top of my voice, "Delaney get the...
Post a Comment
Read more

Sick in St. Louis and Earthquakes in Michigan. What?

A 4.2 magnitude earthquake rattled our home a few weeks ago. Now if we lived in California (or even Oklahoma!) that would be almost commonplace but we live in Michigan where an earthquake is earth shattering, not because of the resulting damage (aside from a few funny Facebook pictures of toppled lawn furniture, I didn't witness any damage) but because earthquakes in Michigan almost never happen. Or at least ones that are felt by the average person. Or even me!  That earthquake was just the beginning of strange events, for this not-so-average person.  The day after Michigan shook, John and I went to St. Louis to see Delaney's end of freshman year performance.  One of the last times John had been to St. Louis together, was in August when he'd had his heart attack. We had dropped our daughter and a van full of belongings in sweltering heat and humidity. It was the first day of a planned two-day orientation and and the following day was the official good bye. John hadn...
Post a Comment
Read more