Skip to main content

A Hole in My Heart Where Sandy Should Be


The past two days have passed with little joy and I find that I'm restless and cannot focus. I don't like being home because of the thousand reminders of my sweet Sandy and yet I can't be away because I don't feel like engaging in anything other than my own personal sorrow. Yes, she was 'just a dog' but oh what a dog she was. . .

I learned a lot about loyalty and unconditional love from Sandy. And in that, I believe that God gives us these loving dogs so that we can learn a little about His love for us - that unconditional love. Even on my worst day when I might not have been paying much attention to Sandy, she was still there and still loving. Wow.

There is no doubt in my mind that putting her down and out of her misery was the right thing for Sandy - she must have been so riddled with cancer and in such pain. Her last day she couldn't even keep water down; I imagine that her entire body must have been affected by the cancer. Then I think back to her last days or weeks or even months and imagine the pain she must have endured (as if I needed more to make me feel bad?) - why didn't I see it sooner and help ease her discomfort? She didn't complain though she did move more slowly and in the last couple years no longer leaped onto the bed or out of the car. I could learn from that kind of grace.

Matthew and I buried her in our backyard so she will always be close and part of this home. It was such a sign of love that Matthew, without hesitation and having just returned for two-a-days, without complaint took up his shovel and began the painful task of digging. It was 90 degrees, the mosquitoes were swarming and Matthew was already sweaty and tired - but that dear sweet young man labored out of love for his Sandy. Matthew showed incredible strength of character this week - amazing.

I will be grateful for a long, long time to Dr. Jim for coming to our home to put Sandy down. It enabled me to fully grieve and Sandy to be at peace for her last moments on this earth. It was incredibly peaceful - after he administered the shot, she appeared to just go to sleep and I knew that her pain was gone. I bawled at what is my loss because Sandy is now in a better, less painful place.

And at the end of the day, the pain I feel is at my loss and the emptiness felt is because my Sandy is no longer here to fill my heart. The pain is the hole in my heart where Sandy should be - I just need time for the abundant memories of that most wonderful dog to trickle in and fill the hole. It might take awhile because the hole is large but the memories of her short time with us are indeed plentiful.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

It's not a popularity contest, but ...

Fall of Giants

I've long been a fan of historical fiction and just this past Christmas I received from my son Michael Ken Follett's most recent book, Fall of Giants. It is the first book of a trilogy that covers the 20th century and the first installment covers the early 1900s up to just after World War I. It includes characters based in Russia in the time of their revolution. While I studied the Russian Revolution in college, this book brought much back to me - including the chaos that reigned for years leading up to the revolution and continuing throughout. I write about this today because the Egyptian revolution reminds me of the Russian revolution. The Russian revolution started out quietly and largely as a protest against a harsh and autocratic government - the Tsar. The Russian people didn't have a say in their government and were very poor while the royalty in Russia lived large. The secret police in Russia often killed and imprisoned people for no apparent reason and there were ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Don't cry for me ...

Song lyrics or titles run through my mind to often sum up a situation or add humor to one. Today, it's "Don't Cry for Me Argentina". Only today the title is "Don't cry for me anybody"! I mean, I get it, that people feel bad that I've got breast cancer and that I've been living with MS for nearly 27 years. And I've had other issues that I've blogged about related to #metoo. I get that it seems like a lot looking in from the outside. I hear your comments and appreciate your support. But here's the thing, it doesn't feel overwhelming to me, looking out from the inside. Know what I mean? I live the life that I've been dealt and do it with the personality and faith I've been given. Which means, I could do one of the following: A. Have a miserable, pity-me attitude that would lead to being  miserable; B. Lean into my troubles and seek answers constantly either through research or angrily with God, which would lea...
1 comment
Read more

Funny, Furry Four-legged Friend

Even before we got her, I knew what she would look like and we, as a family, had even decided on her name. Because she was going to be a sandy color and we live near the beach we decided that Sandy was the ideal name. It really didn't take a whole lot of debate, which is a rarity in this home! And then when we saw her - I knew. She was small enough that she almost fit in the palm of my hand and as I held her, I looked in those big, brown eyes and she calmly looked back. We shared a moment. And it is that moment that I keep remembering as today creeps slowly by - knowing that my dear, sweet Sandy will not be with this family or on this earth much longer. I am relishing that moment - it was the beginning. We have had a couple similar moments today - when I have been petting her and she looks up at me with the same love and loyalty I've cherished for seven years. We learned this morning that she has cancer - and has likely had it for some time. The vet, Dr. Jim, was compassionate ...
1 comment
Read more